Category: Khabaristan Times

This is a piece of satire

LAHORE- After decoding the patterns of what is being described as blankets of smog over Lahore and other parts of Punjab, environmentalists have described the phenomenon as ‘nature’s lakh laanat’.

“The ‘in your face’ smog is nature’s fittay mun and lakh laanat to your faces,” said senior environmentalist Khaleel Tetlay. “The decoded patters formed by industrial waste, car pollutants and excessive usage of diesel reveal nature telling us that what we feed it,” Tetlay added. “Nature wanted to make it obvious what we are doing, so it just threw everything in our collective face.”

Another leading environmentalist Ze Shani explains that all the choices we make in life stay in the atmosphere.

“They come back and stare you in the face like Karma does,” says Shani. “That’s what the smog is. Karma staring us in the face, making us a cough and sneeze and infecting us with germs of our own negligence.”

Khabaristan Times talked to the public about their distress.

“It’s my massi’s fault. She throws the rubbish on the road. I have told her not to do it, but still, she does it. I fired her today, it’s because of her the smog hasn’t ended,” said 41-year-old Parveen, a DHA resident, while driving her BMW.

“Dude the government is useless – can’t even handle smog,” said Usama, a software developer 12.3 seconds after throwing a banana peel on Main Boulevard.

Aslam Qureshi, a literature professor and one of the few budding environmental philosophers in Pakistan tells human species that you are what you excrete. “The fault, dear Bashir, is not in our smog. But in ourselves, that we are underlings,” he said while talking to Khabaristan Times.


Originally published in Khabaristan Times 

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If Pakistan’s crisis weren’t enough, the National Assembly of the Banistan Nation on Thursday passed the controversial Prevention of Electronic Crimes Bill (PECB) 2015 after the Senate’s unanimous adoption of the bill – with 50 amendments – earlier in July.

The bill was initially designed to curb online crimes.

“See the virtual world is very important. Nobody leaves their houses anymore, all the major crimes are happening online and we need to look at them first. We have to target the clever people hiding inside their houses,” said an MNA in favour of the bill.

The bill has already faced a lot of criticism from the people and many NGOs but the government is determined to keep its people safe online.

“See we need to get rid of filthy people online first because the real world doesn’t matter anymore. Life on the internet is the real deal. We are foreseeing the future. All of you are blinded by the worldly things,” said a senior MNA.

The severity of the bill has scared many.

“This is the first time I ever read a law,” said an internet addict while talking to Khabaristan Times, “We can’t talk, laugh, make fun of anyone. I think the internet is doomed.”

Another said: “I have discontinued my 4G connection and going to read. The internet isn’t a place for me another,” he said while throwing his device into the ocean.

Many lives have become already barren, the effects of the bill have already started to show.


Originally Published in Khabaristan Times 

This is a piece of Satire

Islamabad: Having fun has been inculcated in our bones, what we love more than that is to make fun of others. This time the PML-N government known more for their eating habits and love for roads has played a national level joke which many of us couldn’t ever have thought of.

PML-N has struck gold with this hilarious tactic. This scribe had never imagined such ingenuity from the ruling party.

Last Sunday, when Mumtaz Qadri’s supporters took over Islamabad’s Red Zone life, had become uncertain. Many thought that it was PMLN’s end but according to sources, their Punjabi love for jugatbazi helped out immensely in the talks.

The list of absurd conditions paired with the unsettling appearance of the Qadri supporters drove PML-N insane, so much so they decided to agree with them. “They tried very hard and we did slip for a while. But our Quaid (Nawaz Sharif) has better plans,” said PML-N leader and Federal Interior Minister Chaudhary Nisar Ali Khan.

“The plan was simple: to fool the fools,” Nisar told Khabaristan Times. “We agreed to all their demands in our own way.”

The supporters went home happy and satisfied. “We did what Allah had asked us to do. These politicians are beneath us. See they agreed to all our terms,” said a Qadri supporter.

“Let them think what they want, we played an April Fools prank on them in advance,” Nisar confirmed.


Originally Published in Khabaristan Times