Veteran Pakistani pessimists still downplaying February 29

This is a piece of Satire

Plan to continue doing so well into next month

Islamabad/Lahore/Karachi: Not that Pakistanis wait for a leap year to happen, but 2016 has definitely been a memorable one for Pakistan. February 29 wasn’t a normal day, other than its scientific significance it marked Pakistan’s soul forever.

Our law finally prevailed; Mumtaz Qadri’s dead sentence was signed and he was hung. In Hollywood, Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy won another Oscar for Pakistan. Furthermore, petrol prices were decreased by Rs9 per litre. And Pakistan won an important match against UAE in the Asia Cup 2016.

As some part of Pakistan rejoiced, local pessimists, with years of pointless cynicism under their belt, found something to rant about.

“We should be scared of God and pray profusely,” said a clearly unpleasant person. “A lot of happiness together is indigestible for Pakistan”.

Pessimists of the country claim that whenever Pakistanis are very happy something bad happens. “Have you ever seen Pakistanis happy NO! Because whenever we try we fail!”

People didn’t want it to last. “I miss the sad days,” said a perplexed teenager, who isn’t used to so much joy around him. “Why is everyone so happy? We would forget it tomorrow, “said a sad man on the street.

Even so, it is the veteran pessimists who continue to do downplay February 29 and plan on doing so throughout the week.

“It’s Pakistan. Nothing good can happen here,” said a man with 35 years of experience in political cynicism. “They just killed one terrorist. There are thousands out there. Many in the establishment,” he said.

Another said he’d rallied against capital punishment so much, she just had to act upset about Qadri’s execution. “There is nothing more important to me than to be neutral and principled on paper. Even though the real world exists outside the paper,” she said while talking to Khabaristan Times. “Being a liberal pessimist means applying the same rulebook to completely divergent situations. So while I’m happy that the biggest symbol of terror in Pakistan has been eliminated, I will still have to protest against capital punishment in a war-torn country, where jail-breaks happen regularly.”

According to sources, the veterans expect to continue downplaying February 29 well into next month, by which time they expect an incident or two to occur to vindicate their cynicism, and ensure they get to do the one thing they love the most in the entire universe: say ‘I told you, Pakistan will never change’.


Originally Published in Khabaristan Times

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