Month: December 2015

This is a piece of Satire

ISPR also focusing on improving quality of videos

Rawalpindi: ISPR has successfully released its second musical video in the memory of the APS Peshawar victims. It hopes to fill the security gap of the country with such musical videos, Khabaristan Times has learnt.

“We have huge plans for spreading patriotic slogans across the country about Pakistan so that they forget their security concerns, and music is the best medium for this,” an ISPR official told Khabaristan Times.

It isn’t only music, ISPR is focusing on improving the quality of its videos, according to reports.

“We are hiring better singers and conducting stage shows,” the official revealed. “See, the army is tired of fighting and we too need a break, so we have asked to get the budget transferred to the ISPR funding so we can better entertain people in a lawful manner.”

He continued: “What we are planning now is the biggest event ever in the history of the world. We invite Taliban to fight with us to the beats! We are going to very soon conduct a dance-off!”

“ISPR has been in the shadows for many years now, but with ‘Main aisi Qaum’ and ‘Dushman ke bacho ko parhana hai’ we are finally in the limelight and we won’t let it go so easily.”

Reports suggest that the dance off will be conducted around the Zarb-e-Azb schedule and will decide the final winner of the ongoing military operation. People from the TTP are in contact with the ISPR finalising the details.

“No suicide bombing or shooting will be allowed during the show. We will definitely win Inshallah. We were born to entertain, and it’s time we bring out the showmen in us. TTP has some hidden in them too, our spies have revealed,” confirmed the ISPR official.

“The dance off will help exert the aggression on both sides, making music the platform of all fights. Because entertainment is more important than the security of the people or challenging any ideologies,” said a military analyst while talking to Khabaristan Times.


 

Originally Publish in Khabaristan Times.

 

 

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This is a piece of Satire

Machine can detect sect, ethnicity and Muslim-ness of the target

Riyadh: To cater to the macabre spike – highest in the past two decades – of the beheading of terrorism offenders in the country, head of the execution committee has instructed local engineers to construct a special machine, Khabaristan Times has learnt.

“We believe in progressing with the world, introducing new technologies has always been a dream of mine”, said the head of death penalties in Kingdom of Saudia Arabia (KSA), while talking to Khabaristan Times.

The latest technology will involve students of universities along with renowned engineers and architects of the region who have been called on gun point to constructs the death machine.

According to sources, “The beheading machine will be one of its kind. The first test subjects after it will be done will be its makers. As you know it should stay one of a kind.”

The machine will give relief to the rippers and other hospital staffs who have been working really hard to clean the mess created. Reports further suggest that the machine will have the ability to detect the sect, country of origin and the way he prays if a Muslim.

“It will also keep count of the number of beheadings and the reasons because frankly, KSA has lost count,” said a Saudi Official.

Engineers working on the project reveal that the machine would behead the accused by just pressing a button and the body will be thrown directly into a grave created just below the machine.

“The idea is in the process and will be completed in a month until then the execution will continue as usual as we do not want to waste time,” said a South Asian engineer.

“147 or more have already been sentenced to death this year,” says the head of death penalties KSA. “Inshallah the number will double next year.”


 

Originally Publish in Khabaristan Times